This is my dog's blog, for crying out loud, I guess I can take an entry to be honest since I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I was reading my cousin's wife's blog who just recently had a sweet little baby boy, Ian. He is so beautiful and I can't begin to say how happy I am for the two of them. My heart broke just a little bit today though as I looked at pictures of Baby Ian playing with a toy. I'm also entering my temperature into the Fertility Friend website, which as of a few months ago thought I was pregnant. Bill and I are going to start trying again this month but my heart just feels so full of emotions right now. Being pregnant the first time felt so volatile. It almost felt like a gift I wasn't allowed to have. I was worried the whole time and kept waiting for God to take it away. He did, but I don't think of our miscarriage as a punishment from God. I don't think God works that way - giving blessings to people and swooping in and taking them away. Something must be going on that I don't understand. It is so hard to trust Him that He has a plan for Bill and I that is wonderful and perfect when we think it should be a certain way. I want to be pregnant and expecting that little baby and instead I am left to wonder what will happen next. I can't help but feel like I should be 15 weeks along and be working on the nursery. I also can't help but wonder if I wish to be pregnant or pregnant with the child we lost. Of course I wish I was pregnant with the baby we lost. But wishing doesn't really matter, does it? Bill and I got pregnant so easily the first time. I can't imagine that it will be that easy this time. Don't you only get one "easy"? Bill says that it will happen for us and our time will come. Why can't I have that kind of faith? Why do I have to doubt everything? Why can't I believe that something wonderful will just happen to me? Instead I'm left with this incredible feeling of doom.