Friday, July 4, 2008

Since no one's really listening...

This is my dog's blog, for crying out loud, I guess I can take an entry to be honest since I don't think anyone reads this anyway.  I was reading my cousin's wife's blog who just recently had a sweet little baby boy, Ian.  He is so beautiful and I can't begin to say how happy I am for the two of them.  My heart broke just a little bit today though as I looked at pictures of Baby Ian playing with a toy.  I'm also entering my temperature into the Fertility Friend website, which as of a few months ago thought I was pregnant.  Bill and I are going to start trying again this month but my heart just feels so full of emotions right now.  Being pregnant the first time felt so volatile.  It almost felt like a gift I wasn't allowed to have.  I was worried the whole time and kept waiting for God to take it away.  He did, but I don't think of our miscarriage as a punishment from God.  I don't think God works that way - giving blessings to people and swooping in and taking them away.  Something must be going on that I don't understand.  It is so hard to trust Him that He has a plan for Bill and I that is wonderful and perfect when we think it should be a certain way.  I want to be pregnant and expecting that little baby and instead I am left to wonder what will happen next.  I can't help but feel like I should be 15 weeks along and be working on the nursery.  I also can't help but wonder if I wish to be pregnant or pregnant with the child we lost.  Of course I wish I was pregnant with the baby we lost.  But wishing doesn't really matter, does it?  Bill and I got pregnant so easily the first time.  I can't imagine that it will be that easy this time.  Don't you only get one "easy"?  Bill says that it will happen for us and our time will come.  Why can't I have that kind of faith?  Why do I have to doubt everything?  Why can't I believe that something wonderful will just happen to me?  Instead I'm left with this incredible feeling of doom.  

4 comments:

Heath Countryman said...

Someone is reading...

I check your dog's blog every day and have been for a few months. I don't know why I do.

I found it through the nav bar one day and liked the pictures of your dog, so I just kept checking for new pics. My wife works for Iams (the dog food company) and we are both animal lovers.

Anyways, I was caught off guard when I read this post and wanted to comment.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have been trying for a baby for the last 6. Tons of fertility treatments, surgery for me, and A.I. and still no results. We are both 32 (well, I will be in a month) and are at a crossroads right now as to whether to try IVF or just accept it and adopt.

Anyways, I was hoping I might offer you a bit of perspective on one comment you made...

God did not take your baby. It was a tragedy, for certain. But God does not answer our prayers and then snatch the answer away. He is not capricious or arbitrary. His love for us knows no end.

I would like to suggest a book for you, one that has helped me out more than any religious book (other than the bible) ever has. It is entitled "Is God to Blame?" by Gregory Boyd. It has helped me to come to realize that many of the tragic things we endure are not part of God's plan, but simply the tragic results of a broken creation. I don't know why you miscarried. But I am pretty certain that God was not the cause.

Here are a few blog entries of mine that might give a little different perspective on the issue... (seriously, I am not trying to self-promote... just hoping to offer help...)

http://www.heathcountryman.com/2008/02/is-there-reason.html

http://www.heathcountryman.com/2008/01/prayer-for-sissy.html

http://www.heathcountryman.com/2008/01/waiting-game.html

http://www.heathcountryman.com/2007/12/are-we-free.html

http://www.heathcountryman.com/2008/03/why-i-am-open-theist.html

Mindy said...

Thank you for your comments and for checking the blog! I really didn't think anyone was reading this...but it is nice to know you are and I appreciate what you had to say.

Short Round said...

HI Miss Mindy-
I am reading, and I have since you started with the Blog. I am so sad and sorry that I didn't know that this happened to you and Bill. Please know that I am thinking about you and hoping and praying that you will get what you most desire. You will both be amazing parents and I feel positive that it is in your future. I love you both.

Lori said...

Just catching up...I had no idea. We've walked a very similar road and are here if you ever want to talk. Or vent. Or whatever. Just know that there are a million different roads to parenthood and I'm confident that yours will end in total joy. I'm praying for you both.